This is a true story.

A seller was marketing his home with an “enter into the MLS only” broker, with no other marketing services from an agent. A buyer agent on a very successful real estate team brought a “ready, willing and able” buyer to contract. The price and closing date were negotiated and agreed to. Then the day of the inspections arrived. The reports were delivered to the buyer’s agent via e-mail, and then forwarded by the buyer’s agent in an e-mail to the seller. The seller agreed in an e-mail to make the repairs.  After repairs were “completed”, the seller e-mailed the buyer’s agent notifying the agent of their completion.

The buyer’s agent set up a re-inspection and notified the seller via e-mail of the date and time. At the re-inspection there were still several items not completed. The buyer’s agent e-mailed the re-inspection report to the seller, and requested in the e-mail that she and the buyers receive a copy of the receipts for the repairs that were made. Further, in the buyer’s agent cover letter, the agent stated, they, the buyers and her were disappointed that the repairs were not completed as promised. She also reminded the seller that it was his responsibility to have these repairs completed prior to closing, and a second walk through would be scheduled on the day of closing to ensure the repairs were satisfactorily completed. The closing was now within 24 hours.

The day of closing the buyer’s agent and the buyer arrived at the property for the final walk through, only to discover that the lock box had been removed, and they could not enter the vacant property. Why? The seller was offended by what he considered to be the tone of the buyer’s agent e-mail. He deemed it to be unprofessional, rude and demanding. Further, he wrote that he did not have receipts for the repairs, and he expected an apology from the buyer’s agent or he would not follow through with the closing of his property.

He then follows his e-mail with a telephone call to the broker in charge complaining about the buyers’ agents’ lack of professionalism, rudeness and demanding tone in the aforementioned buyer’s agent e-mail. The broker in charge politely explained to the seller that his personal feelings toward the buyer’s agent e-mail, and his legally binding contact with the buyer were two separate issues. The broker in charge encouraged the seller to fulfill the contract with the buyer, and allow access to the property and close as scheduled. The seller refused to close, without a formal apology from the buyer’s agent. The broker called the buyer’s agent and suggested that the closing attorney call the seller to see if he could convince the seller it was in his best interest to close. The closing attorney was not successful in reasoning with the seller. The buyer continued to wait at the closing table, but the seller did not show up for the closing, which then became a breech of contract. The buyer became frustrated with the seller, and refused to allow the buyer’s agent to apologize, and decided to not purchase the home. The seller hired an attorney, because he was not willing to release the earnest money. To this day the e-mail's have continued between attorneys without resolution.

Welcome to “The E-mail Trap”!

All of this could have been avoided with a few phone calls instead of sending e-mail's. Why? Perception is greater than reality. Understand that to the buyer’s agent the e-mail was a statement of facts. However, the seller believed the e-mail's tone and wording to be unprofessional, demanding and rude.

I didn’t quote the e-mail's for legal reasons. I can tell you that the first e-mail was very fact based, it certainly wasn’t warm and fuzzy. I can assure you that the e-mail's that followed became more and more emotional and defensive. Much of the content of the following e-mail's had very little to do with fact, and more to do with the personalities of all the parties involved. My friends, e-mail is so dangerous. Ten years ago, we were using very little of it, now it is one of the main modes of communication. It has gone so far that an e-mail can be used as a legal document, either binding one to a contract or getting one out of a contract.

Why has e-mail become such a force in communication? The answers are many. However, here are my Top Four.

1. Anonymity – or perceived anonymity. People may know our e-mail address, but we live under the perception that we are hidden behind the computer screen and hence, they really do not know us. Yet, in certain circumstances it is true we are fairly anonymous, therefore it “feels” safe to us.

2. Avoidance – this occurs especially in difficult situations. Many of us are not very good at confrontation, and most of us don’t like it. We are especially vulnerable to avoidance if we know we were wrong, or we are in an indefensible position. So, instead of talking it out, we write it out. (BTW, when this happens, previously good relationships have a tendency to become permanently severed)

3. Freedom – e-mail is not bound by the rules of communication. We are free to say what we want, dress the way we want when we say it, write with our mouth full, and we can “feel” like we want with out someone telling us we were inappropriate. Which leads to…

4. Lack of Immediate Feedback – it is one of the few communication mediums in which we do not get immediate feedback to what are trying to communicate about. In every other form of communication there are verbal, or non verbal cues that provide us with the direction and tone of a conversation. This lack of immediate feedback is probably the greatest danger, because there are no boundaries when we write. We say what we want without consequences and hence, our writings, many times become misinterpreted.

E-mail and Emotions

Emotions affect all of us everyday in a variety of different ways. Some things influence us to laugh, others to cry, some to anger, and some quite frankly leave us scratching our heads. E-mail is affected by ones’ emotions whether you are the writer or the reader. It logically follows that one must control what one is in control of. What is it that you can control? Start with your own emotions. It is true that there are things that happen to us on a daily basis that can influence our decisions of what emotion we choose.  However, that doesn’t mean we must choose them. (NOTE: Situations and Emotions are NOT cause and effect.)

Just because you kick me in the shin does not necessarily mean I will react negatively, or with anger, in fact I may laugh at you (the next time you see me, please don’t test it.) Since we are in control of the choice of these emotions, it becomes increasingly important for each of us (myself included) to monitor our emotions before we write or read an e-mail. It is unfair to the reader of our e-mail, or the writer of an e-mail sent to us, if our emotions are not in check so that we can read what the e-mail was intended to say, or write an e-mail in such a way that says what we intend it to mean.

It is true you cannot control the behavior, emotions, or attitudes of anothers, but you can control yours. In this particular communication medium, by you controlling your emotions you have essentially eliminated half of the communication problem. Hence, it will be easier for you to understand what the writers’ true intentions are.

Here are some ways that I believe will help you in writing e-mail's.

• Check in with you own emotions and attitudes, a positive mind set lends itself to a much more positive way of writing an e-mail.

• Write an e-mail not a reaction. It is okay to write, but don’t send it. Step away for about 5 to 10 minutes and go back and read it. Does it really say what you intend it to say?

• Let someone else read it. If it isn’t too personal, or even if it is, have someone you can trust read it objectively, ask them to communicate back to you what they think you are trying to say. If they don’t get it chances are neither will your intended recipient

Here are my top three ways I believe that will help you in reading e-mail's.

1. Check in with your own emotions and attitudes , a positive mind set lends itself to a much more positive way you will interpret an e-mail (hmmm. This sounds familiar)

2. While reading put yourself in the shoes of the writer. Here is where you practice empathy. (Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, and you will better understand the person.) Why is the writer writing this e-mail? Why is it so important to the writer that you get this e-mail? etc.

3. Walk away from what you read, especially if it feels a little intense, come back and start with Number 1.

In the end it is all about effective communication.  And just because e-mail happens to be non-verbal, it is still a powerful way to communicate, either to the benefit or detriment of the parties involved.

Jay Izso a,k.a. "Dr. Jay" has his Masters of Science degree in Psychology from Washington State University. He was a former instructor of Human Learning and Motivation, Experimental Psychology, and Statistics at Washington State and North Carolina State University. He has been part of the Linda Craft Top 50 Internationally Ranked RE/MAX Team located in Raleigh, NC, since 1996 where he developed Linda’s award winning Websites and cutting edge technologies.  He is also head coach for the Mr. Internet® Total Solutions Coaching program. Many of his articles and writings and observations can be read at www.realestatepsychologist.com.